THE FEAR

The fear of performing comes and goes. Sometimes it’s as good as it gets. You are confident. You know you sound good. You move and everyone in the room moves with you. You breathe and they breathe. You send out a vibe and it is understood and received and it comes back at you multiplied by every body that is there. On those days it’s exhilarating and you never want to leave. You can’t go home. You couldn’t sleep if you did. But sometimes you lose your game. Your spirit is low. Perhaps you didn’t practice that day. Perhaps you can’t find that emotion that you had when you wrote it all down and made these songs up. On those days you wonder if the crowd isn’t wishing you off the stage and away from the mic. It’s a labor getting through each song. It’s exhausting. You wonder if your talent is something you made up like you made up those songs.

So you build up a confidence within yourself. Every kind word and every compliment gets stored away for a later time, each one a brick in your wall of self defense; the wall that protects you from your own thoughts that just maybe you might be as crappy as you fear on your worst days.

You force yourself to go on again. Again and again. You hope that this time it works. You hope that your efforts, all the years of writing and all the years of struggling for this thing will pay off. Somehow the pieces of this enigmatic puzzle will find each other if you just keep moving; keep doing what you do. So you write another song. You play another crowd. You spend another sleepless night praying, hoping, appealing to the Gods to prosper your way.

You can’t quit anyway despite your fears because deep down in your blood and bones you know that you were born for this. Your body knows it to be so. Your mind and your soul can’t convince you. They falter with too many thoughts and too many ideals. But your flesh; your blood and bone; your skin and teeth know what is good. They know what they need. They tell you with every song and every crowd that you cannot stop. They scream at you until you become tired of their noise. But you cannot ignore them. You cannot but heed their call.

You know that defeat cannot happen to you. Defeat can only happen when you quit. And how could you quit when this IS you?

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